Saturday 3 September 2022

They're Gonna Take Your Time Away: A (Not So) Brief History of Parallel 9 - Part 1

Between 1992 and 1994, the prestigious Children's BBC's Saturday morning slot was occupied during the summer months by a programme called Parallel 9.  Set deep in outer space on a far away planet, it mixed the usual Saturday morning fare of special guests, musical performances, games and cartoons with fictional characters, storylines and other dramatic elements.  

Welcome to my history of Parallel 9.  Read on for:

Part 1: Series 1 on-screen

Part 2: Series 1 on-screen continued

Part 3: The making of series 1

Part 3a: Interview with a child guest from show 1

Part 4: The making of series 2

It wasn't the first Saturday morning kids' show to mix fiction with reality.  The Grandaddy of that format remains No. 73, with Ghost Train treading a similar line a few years later.  Parallel 9 bore some similarities to the latter (and eventually some of the same cast and crew), but it was the Beeb's first fully formed attempt to do something in that slot with a fictional premise.  It was also unlike anything ever shown in the slot before.  A huge chunk of the target audience were clearly baffled by it.  But, for a while, I absolutely loved it, particularly the central concept, set and theme tune.  Once it got going there were very good performances from the cast as they nailed their characters, alongside some pretty good writing.

Every time I mention Parallel 9 on Twitter, it generates a ton of replies - partly from people who hated it (and transmitting in the long shadow of the phenomenally popular Going Live! it certainly had its work cut out), but also a significant number who really "got" it and were as fascinated by the show as I was.  There is clearly quite a story to be told in how the programme was commissioned and ultimately ended up being quite different to the original format, with subsequent series each radically different from the previous one.  And yet despite being continually retooled it sat in that high profile Saturday morning slot for three consecutive summers and sixty-four episodes.  

So why did I like it so much?  Does it stand the test of time?  I decided to take another look and try and tell the story of the programme's development on screen.  

The first series was my first real TV obsession and as a result I've got a fair bit on VHS, some of which I shared short segments of in the early days of YouTube.   Now for the first time as part of this project I'm uploading my collection in its entirety.  As well as this, a large number of compilations have recently appeared online thanks to one of the cast, meaning that first series is now perhaps better represented than any other Saturday morning TV show, with video from every single episode available online.  

Time for a reassessment?  I'm taking a look back at the show an episode at a time, assessing the available video to take a look at how and why it turned out how it did.  This opening installment will look at the programme's launch and rapid development over the next few weeks, ending as the programme took a break for coverage of the 1992 Olympics.  Spoiler alert: it's quite the transformation.  As with other things, the 30th anniversary seems as good an opportunity as any to rewind time back to the beginning...

Series 1 (1992)

The BBC's flagship autumn/winter Saturday morning shows typically ran for 30 weeks a year with a summer commission filling the remaining 22.  For a decade, the summer slot had been given over to a variety of titles all produced by BBC Manchester.  From 1992 however, in line with the requirement to open up BBC programming slots to the flourishing independent sector, a three-year contract was given to Roach and Partners.  R&P was a company set up by Jill Roach, a former producer of various children's factual programmes including Newsround Extra, Val Meets The VIPs and Z Shed.  A weekly two hour slot for the whole summer was a significant coup for R&P whose most high profile commission had been Streetwise, a segment aired within the Channel 4 Daily breakfast programme.  It can however be assumed that Roach's background at Children's BBC was perhaps a key part of what secured the commission.

Episode 1 PasC

All three series of Parallel 9 aired opposite Gimme 5 on ITV, a more traditional production made at Tyne Tees, with both programmes launching on the same Saturday.  Curiously though Gimme 5's first series ran to just ten episodes, meaning from July onwards the BBC had a free run at the Saturday slot.

For prelaunch publicity there were some publicity shots of Roddy Maude-Roxby (a veteran actor who played the lead role of Mercator) and Helen Atkins (who played the charatcer of Calendular) available to the press and this small feature in Radio Times, which to be fair does neither Parallel 9 nor Gimme 5 any favours:

This exerpt from Take Two at the end of March was unfortunate - a fun-filled clip of Gimme 5 followed by a statement that they couldn't say much about its opposition yet.   

Show 1 - tx 25/04/92, 0900-1055

This is the Radio Times listing for the first programme:

Children's BBC picks up the first broadcasts from Parallel 9, a white hole somewhere out in the universe.  Mercator, an alien prince, is imprisoned there for seeking knowledge and asking for change on a planet where such things are forbidden. Banished with three villains and an earth-girl named Cal, he can communicate with earth, and even transport earth-people to visit their strange world.
Each Saturday, Mercator is granted two hours of life during which he asks earth-viewers for the knowledge he needs to escape. With Roddy Maude Roxby, Helen Atkins, Jenny Bolt, Dominic McHale and Kevin Williams.

Director Graham C Williams
Series producer Glyn Edwards
A Roach production for BBCtv
STEREO
CHILDREN: page 12

The concept is intruging, though "alien criminals on a prison planet" is a bold and brave concept to attempt to depict on children's TV.  However despite the "two hours" being mentioned quite prominently here and in the title sequence, you'll note the show actually runs 5 minutes short of that.  This appears to have been to accommodate a family film for the rest of the morning before Grandstand, and in fact the programme doesn't run to the full 2 hours on a single occasion during the entire summer.  

The title sequence was directed by John Henshall, who would hit the headlines nearly 20 years later when he returned David Bowie's Top of the Pops performance of Jean Genie (on which he worked as a camerman) after retaining it in his private collection for many years.  Henshall has uploaded his work on the titles which means we can enjoy the quite extraordinary sequence in high quality, and the theme in stereo.

'Parallel 9' titles 1992 – Cinematography by John Henshall from John Henshall on Vimeo.

'Parallel 9' was a British Saturday morning children's television entertainment show on BBC1 from 1992. The titles were shot on 35mm film by Cinematographer John Henshall at Pinewood Studios with Director Graham C Williams and Camera Operator Gerry Anstiss ('Alien' etc). Roddy Maude-Roxby played the part of Mercator, an old alien 'Time Baron' with enormous eyebrows. He was banished to 'Parallel 9' after summoning an earth girl named Calendular as a result of his thirst for knowledge - a criminal offence on his home planet 'Zarb'. John Henshall only shot these opening titles – none of the weekly shows (Henshall getting in his excuses early at the end there)

The intention was that this would set the scene and later double as a recap for anyone watching for the first time.  As a piece of work it's stunning, and completely unlike anything else seen on Saturday morning TV.  The scenes of Mercator's time experients in particular are beautifully shot. 

Despite claims under one YouTube upload that the shot of a ghostly Calendular running up the steps is lifted from the 1998 Children's BBC drama Moondial, it was in fact shot...at Pinewood Studios, in the ornate gardens outside:

(image courtesy of weddingmall.co.uk)

Mercator's "oh bumbles" catchphrase after the sentencing (which was actually used extremely rarely outside of the title sequence) encapsulates the programme: humour punctuating the drama, though the former would be increased rapidly over the first few weeks.  The only weak point of the title sequence is the visible wires about to lift Mercator's time capsule, which niggled me at the time. 

Production paperwork fittingly refers to it as "Parallel 9 - The Movie".  The cinematic intentions are backed up by the entire sequence and those shot on the planet set being presented in deep letterbox, though the slightly distracting shiny silver colour here was changed to plain black pretty quickly.  Filmed at Pinewood, the widescreen seems pretty genuine with none of the framing issues you got around the turn of the century when it became fashionable to crop material to fit widescreen TVs.  However all inserts, including those shot especially for the programme, are presented as the standard 4:3 ratio.  (I'll use this opportunity to point out how much of a pain in the bum this is by modern standards, with some serious editing required to ensure my YouTube uploads don't end up entirely surrounded by black),

The theme tune is a masterpiece that is seemingly popular across the board.  The lyrics are about Mercator's crimes and the subsequent punishment, and the production the piece has been given really adds to the epic, other-worldy outer space feel.  It was written by TV legend Ed Welch and sung by Eddie Mooney, who when commenting on my upload of it said he hadn't heard it since 1992.  Production paperwork reveals the title is "Take Your Time Away" and the lyrics were written by none other than the programme's director Graham C. Williams.  With some of the "reply" lines a little drowned by the instrumental opinion differs slightly on the exact wording, but here's my guess...

Time ('cause you're locked up in it)

It's time for you to pay (and you just can't win it)

You've broken every rule (and you're on the limit)

They're gonna take your time away

Time (just get on and do it)

Has shown us not to stay (you won't get through it)

You'll take your time to learn (I guess you always knew it)

They're gonna take your time away

The whole sequence is stunning, giving a challenge to pretty much anything that comes after it.  Clocking in at two-and-a-half-minutes it is however something of a monster, and would soon be cut down to be more mangeable.  The last twenty seconds of the sequence cuts to black with the intention that this would be mixed to footage in the studio set.  

We need to talk about that set.  Built on a stage at Pinewood Studios it was an incredibly ambitious construction on a scale rarely seen on children's TV, with a number of different zones all set around the "Tope" computer-come-time-caspule-launcher in the centre of the studio in a brightly lit pool.  It's gorgeous.

An end credits sequence from later in the series (which 8-year-old me may have rewound and watched around a thousand times at a conservative estimate) displays it in full, consisting of a cave structure, an industrial area, a beach zone, a more traditional starfield backdrop, an iceberg and a long lit pathway seemingly disappearing into the distance.  This was the "Stargate" where guests would appear when "summoned" from Earth.  

These elements were all connected by a network of bridges built around the entire set giving it a real sense of scale and providing endless positions to present items from, all with a different backdrop.  The iceberg interior was the home to most of the musical performances (cleverly allowing them to set them up without being visible to the rest of the studio).  What I'd have given to have a wander round that set.

There was clearly one hell of a vision for the programme, from the concept to the cinematic style of presentation and the epic theme tune.  Whether it's a vision that went over the heads of the target audience is perhaps one for debate.  It's also a vision that is gradually chipped away at over the run and particularly in the subsequent two series.  For a long time, the first show was something of a holy grail for me.  We were away the weekend that it started so I never got to see how the whole concept was established, and has never appeared on YouTube.

Until now.

Here is the opening installment of Parallel 9.  

I've left this in deep letterbox partly because of the curious shiny grey effect seemingly used only for the first show and partly the huge timestamp (sorry about that but needs must).  This does display them using the old trick of linking into a cartoon seconds before Gimme 5 went on air (though the decidedly iffy Toxic Crusaders perhaps had a different effect to that intended), a tactic that would later be used to great success with Live and Kicking airing Rugrats at 0925.   I'm also a big fan of the otherwise wonderful Philippa Forrester helpfully informing us that Saturday mornings are back next Saturday.

The opening instalment is a long way from the programme I spent my summer holidays obsessed with.  The central premise is that Meractor has been experimenting with time and seeking to learn about other worlds.  This, according to the Time Barons, is a line you don't cross.  They come across as a cross between the Time Lords and the Taliban in this respect.  As time runs backwards on his home planet of Zarb, "Prince" Mercator is despite his appearance a young man (and we'll gloss over how Prince Charles reached 73 before becoming King).  This is why in the opening titles he appears to be being captured by a midget and sentenced by the Milky Bar Kid to two hours awake every week - on Parallel 9.  They are literally gonna take his time away.

He is continually appealing to children for their knowledge - always referred to as "elders" as they would be on Zarb - in a neat trick that puts the viewers in charge.  

As seen above, the titles dropped to black for the last 20 seconds to mix to footage from the studio set.  Initially this was a mean-and-moody panning shot of the planet in near-darkness, though unfortunately someone left the curtain open at the back of the iceberg set meaning we can see the studio walls:

We don't actually see the cast's arrival on Parallel 9, with it being implied they have been there a short while.  Calendular, the earth girl played by Helen Atkins featured prominently in the titles, records a video message for her Mum in the first scene by way of introduction.  Calendular is clearly intended as the viewer's representative, though you can't help feeling this would have landed better had she been called something like Kate or Laura.  It's also hard to emphathise with her finding being whisked away in your sleep to live full time on a prison planet as an amazing experience.  Later on her permanent residence on Parallel 9 would be tweaked in recognition of this. 

She is initially coupled with Meractor throughout much of the show in a Doctor/companion or even Father/Daughter type of relationship, with many scenes of them together with her looking on in wonder from a stool at the side explaining things.  

The theme of the show - "seeking earth knowledge" - is a canny ruse to "summon" the usual Saturday morning guests and music videos.  In the early shows this is done via a routine of closing your eyes and thinking hard whilst a fanfare sounds, the lift on the Stargate whirs into action and a guest then walks down the pathway for a lengthy conversation with Mercator. 

Over the course of the first show this does get a little repetitive.  Over time, the ensemble cast would end up taking on most of these duties, with Calendular essentially the "presenter" and Mercator leading with his almost ceremonial lead role and fictional sequences.

That cast, alongside Calendular (given the more normal abbreviation "Cal" quite quickly) consists of three other aliens that have been sent to Parallel 9 that were seen briefly in the titles: 

Steyl (an imperious dictator from the planet Draoph played by Jenny Bolt)

Skyn (an untrustworthy, scheming villain from the planet Thorb played by Kevin Williams)

Thynkso (an innocent, impressionable chap from the planet East How played by Dominic McHale). 

They are not as big a prescence in this opening show as they would become, instead given brief sketches largely to allow Cal and Mercator to reposition in the studio, but their roles would be developed over the coming weeks to become much bigger - and better - parts of the programme.  

Oh, and that bit where Skyn talks about there being something in his hand - and the subsequent "there is nothing in my hand" line - hold that thought...

A recurring trait of the show in the first series is that whenever a guest role is required, this is achieved by using one of the regular cast to play that character, with the transformation shown on screen via a visual effect.  The use of this mechanism in show 1 when we've barely met Thyknso is a strange step to take though, particularly as he's still hanging about as Dracula at the very end meaning we never see his character "return".  

The pace in the first edition is very slow.  The wonderful set is initially given extremely gloomy and moody lighting which befits a prison planet but is quite a shock to the system compared to that which is typical for Saturday morning TV.

Incidental music also composed by Ed Welch is played in to accompany scenes to build the "drama" element but feels superfluous at times in a live show.  That said, there isn't a single interactive element other than the postal address throughout the whole series, so keeping the show live showed some real committment to the Saturday morning genre.

One of the weakest parts of the the debut is Mercator seeing the thoughts of youngers viewers high above the planet set on one of the gantries.  This is visualised by them standing in a park saying they want to - for example - be in charge at school, which is followed up later on by them having the chance to make their dream a reality.  It sounds a reasonable enough idea on paper but the execution takes up far too much airtime, and it seems this idea was dropped fairly swiftly.  

Another item is the "news pool".  Here, Cal explains the week's events on Earth to Mercator, each clip prompted by dropping a "time stone" in a small rockpool on top of the cave high above the planet set in another memorable visual setup.  This section of the programme was the most obvious homage from Jill Roach to her Newsround heritage (and indeed the production paperwork confirms all clips were taken from that week's bulletins). The item was more successful and lasted the full series, however other than this there are relatively few regular "format points" at this stage.

Possibly the most bizarre sequence in the first show is as the giveaway of a quite decent prize of Michael Jackson concert tickets, but in an attempt to not spoil the mistique of the format the question is somewhat garbled and no address is given, meaning the show closes with BBC1 announcer David Miles having to remind viewers of the question over the credits, and Philippa Forrester reading the address out over a slide at the end (presumably following a hot-seat-handover with Miles).  The closing theme has a strange key change down, and retains the same rocket/whoosh sound effects from the live action titles which is a bit of an oversight.

We can only speculate how the opening installment was received both by viewers and by bosses at Children's BBC.  The central premise of seeking earth knowledge is undoubtedly intriguing but the conceit of it being sought by alien criminals on a prison planet was likely slightly controversial.  But they would have known that when they commissioned it, and there was definitely something in the idea.  What we can be certain of is that changes were made almost immediately, with the series developing rapidly over the following weeks.    

Show 2 - tx 02/05/92, 0900-1055

Mercator and his companions once again manage to comandeer the airwaves long enough to ask for help to break free from their space exile. Kim Wilde is summoned to the white hole to provide musical entertainement, a lemur appears as a typical example of earth's wildlife and there's a visit from that fearsome pirate Blackbeard. Although there's not much the prisoners agree on, they know that they need earth-knowledge to be able to escape, so Brookside's Julia Brogan (actress Gladys Ambrose ) offers her wisdom. Plus more cartoon action with the Toxic Crusaders. With Roddy Maude Roxby , Helen Atkins , Jenny Bolt , Dominic McHale and Kevin Williams.

Director Graham C Williams
Series producer Glyn Edwards 

A Roach production for BBCtv • STEREO
EARTH-KNOWLEDGE: if you want to send a message to Mercator. or deliver your knowledge in person, write to P9. BBCtv, PO Box 9000. London W 12 8ZZ.

Notice the addition of the contact address.  For subsequent listings I'll be truncating the billing prior to the cast list and other credits, which is now the same for the remainder of the series.  

This recording of the title sequence is either from show 2 or 3.  Note that the letterboxing is now plain black and the planet set footage is cut away from before we see the studio walls as in show 1.


Definitely from show 2 is this Kim Wilde performance, which starts with a nice "into the iceberg" shot not used often enough over the series.  As one of the commenters says, "great video and what a setting".

Show 3 - tx 09/05/92, 0900-1055

Home and Away actor Les Hill ventures into outer space to try to help the alien prince Mercator and his companions escape from their exile.  Force NKZee provide music with their new single Jam while more young humans used their heads in the Knowledge Quest.  Plus more cartoon action with the Toxic Crusaders and details of the chance to make a film for Mercator.

Thanks to a Les Hill fan we can see some clips from this show - funnily enough all the bits with Les Hill in, who seems completely baffled by the whole thing.  Although the lighting has improved there's still an air of uncertainty about who's in charge, though there is already a much bigger role for the promising character of Skyn in proceedings.  Viewer's letters and drawings are now pinned up in the industrial area, and look out also for another outing for "there is nothing in my hand" and a recurring "where" - "there" - "where over there" running gag.

Show 4 - tx 16/05/92, 0900-1055

Prince Mercator and his fellow exiles take over the airwaves once again to ask for help to escape from the white hole in space known as Parallel 9.  More young humans use their heads in the Knowledge Quest and there's cartoon action with the Toxic Crusaders. 

Kevin Short, who in this series played Skyn credited by his professional name at the time Kevin Williams, has uploaded compilations of many episodes during the first half of the series which allows us to take a look at how the show developed.  As you expect these focus mainly on the fictional elements, particularly those featuring his character, with most of the editorial features removed.  As such they're not wholly representative but very helpful in seeing the show change as the weeks go on.

The start of the show has now been tidied up with the footage of Meractor's capsule arriving replacing the generic shots of the studio which completes the "story" of the titles quite nicely, though the timing is a little out at the end.

The promising double act between Skyn and Thynkso is being nicely developed here including a running gag being established with Skyn phoning Thynkso's "Granny Grabby".  The "guest role" in this edition is Galileo, and him being played by Kevin Williams is given an explanation by Mercator in that he is "placed upon Skyn". The Shakespears Sister performance under the Starbridge is fairly unusual as these would normally be staged in the iceberb, but perhaps this wasn't possible due to the visual effects required for the final scene where Cal and Steyl attempt to escape Parallel 9.

Show 5 - tx 23/05/92, 0900-1055

Leo Baxendale, the creator of Minnie the Minx, offers the space exiles his knowledge. More young humans use their heads in the Knowledge Quest and there's cartoon action with the Toxic Crusaders.

In a very clever change to the format this week is where the Tope speaks for the first time, introducing Stephen Hope-Wynne both as a character and as a continuity announcer between items (much as Mitch Johnson would do on Live and Kicking a few years later) though with a rather unusual voice effect here than would be used for the rest of the series.  Although played very straight here he would also develop a personality of his own in due course, and Hope-Wynne excelled as the slightly neurotic, needy Tope.  The new Saturday morning-style "coming up" menu he voices is initially backed by Ed Welch's theme tune which sounds rather odd in this context, as it would otherwise only be heard at the opening or closing of the programme.  

During the sequence of Skyn and Thynkso excavating on the beach there's a lengthy shot of the crane camera in the back of shot (and, erm, the ceiling) which is extremely unusual as cameras and crew were, in keeping with the format, rarely in shot. It does look very much like it's attached to the ceiling, which explains how the extraordinary swooping shots of the set were achieved.  Dominc McHale is this week given the job of the guest role, "becoming" Tutankahmun.  These role swaps are so far all figures from history and literature which fits the stated intention of the format but is a little dry for Saturday morning kids' TV. 

Show 6 - tx 30/05/92, 0900-1055

For just two hours each week on earth Saturdays, the alien Prince Mercator, earth-girl Cal, and the other exiles, Steyl, Skyn and Thynkso, can communicate. This is the only time that Mercator is allowed to experience life and he wants to pack in as much as he can.

Top of his list is meeting earth children. This week Gregory Woodward and Michelle Moore have been invited to join him. (Quite a line there by modern standards and unusual that the kids on the show have been given billing over all the guests, though on the day Michelle appears to have been replaced by Desreen)

Production paperwork indicates this week saw the superb but somewhat overlong opening titles cut down to a more manageable seqeunce lasting a minute and a half which sadly loses much of the beautiful cinematography of Mercator's time experiments. If you listen very carefully to the new titles you can actually hear the edit between Mercator's two spoken "Calendular"s. There also appears to have been a new version of the closing theme this week replacing the rather odd one that the series debuted with.

As well as the many running gags there are some recurring dances and songs from the characters at this early stage which were wisely dropped as the series progressed. Skyn's video review is now a fully formed item and the opening comments about Skyn being a film director on Thorb seem to be Kevin Short very much living the part looking at his career outside of the show! Finally Thynko's line "it's boring" is an early laugh-out-loud moment.

Show 7 - tx 06/06/92, 0900-1047

Mercator and the three Blanks are still excavating in Parallel 9, while Calendular continues to feed Mercator's appetite for earth knowledge, with videos and visits from the planet's most popular people, including the band Incognito who sing their latest single Don 't You Worry 'Bout a Thing. 


Thankfully no more excavating as the billing suggests but there's another history lesson as Skyn becomes Sherlock Holmes. There's also the revelation from Thynkso that he is only on Parallel 9 due to being mistakenly linked to a crime, but in a rather sweet scene he says he prefers it here as he now has more friends than he had back home on East How. Right at the end is
a guitar version of the main theme which is some new incidental musical from Ed Welch replacing the rather sinister early pieces.

Show 8 - tx 13/06/92, 0900-1040

Cal transports more earth-beings to entertain and bring knowledge to the alien prince Mercator. This short and sweet billing accompanies the earliest finish yet due to annual Saturday morning fun-spoiler Trooping of the Colour.


The show's celebrity guests either seem to be totally bemused by the concept or completely throw themselves into it, and Lesley Joseph falls into the latter camp. Listen out for a new shorter "summoning" fanfare and
impressive use of the set for the big song-and-dance number at the end.

Show 9 - tx 20/06/92, 0900-1047

Pop star Marky Mark has been recruited to entertain Mercator this week. Cal has also arranged for the prince to receive knowledge about sound effects. And, looking forward to National Music Day on 28 June, what weird and wonderful instrument will be played for his pleasure? 


A big change mentioned at the start: Cal has been back to Earth, presumably after her birthday the previous week. This is a major change from the original format of her being stranded on the prison planet presumably made to make the format more palatable. From this point onwards it was established she would be summoned from Earth each week simultaneously with Mercator's visit. This also allowed Helen Atkins to film location inserts for the programme.

This episode also shows the cave being developed as a house for Skyn and Thynkso, making this area of the set appear brighter and better suited for presenting items from. There's also some alignment with the rest of Children's BBC as Andi Peters makes his first appearance on the show, though it sounds from Andi's comments that some CBBC continuity has been hosted from the planet set in previous weeks. The "tour" he is given appears to be a regular feature in the first half of the series, complete with "angry" and "laughing" points on the bridges.

Show 10 - tx 27/06/92, 0900-1052

The Farm entertain Mercator this morning with their latest single, The Rising Sun. But will the band be discovered by the Time Barons, who arrive to check up on their prisoners in Parallel 9? Or will Mercator and his companions have time to hide their guests? Whatever happens, the prince is determined to gain knowledge about Surfers Against Sewage, an organisation dedicated to cleaning up Britain's coastline. He also learns about the latest surfing fashions and videos due for release in July. 


Ooh, sci-fi! A decisive shift in a new direction this week that seems to mark an end to the historical guest characters and slower plots. As the billing suggests, them upstairs are checking up on Mercator et al, with Kevin Williams turning in a dry performance as the Wrongfinder General thanks to a "transformation beam" (they're taking the mickey now). Curiously at one point Cal states the Time Barons are aware that she is on Parallel 9, which is odd because surely Mercator's communication with her was the reason this whole thing kicked off?

Funny line alert:
"I am the Wrongfinder General, keeper of the flame of eternal justice. I am qualified to tell right from wrong, and to teach aerobics on the highest possible level"

The conclusion is nicely done with that week's "elders" tricking the General by mimicking the senior Time Barons seen in the titles, though his conclusion "Parallel 9 is the most unexciting planet in the cosmos. Nothing ever happens here" is probably not what you'd want casual viewers to hear. On that note, Gimme 5's first series ended on this day, giving Parallel 9 a free run for the next two months.

Show 11 - tx 04/07/92, 0900-1052

Mercator celebrates American Independence Day by summoning Al Capone - but he soon regrets it. Plus guests, music, competitions and cartoon adventures with those other famous Americans, The Toxic Crusaders. 


No sign of Al Capone which was possibly a casualty of the apparent ending of the appearances by historical figures. Also this week the beach area has been dressed as Steyl's "lair" to complement Skyn and Thynko's new home in the cave.

Show 12 - tx 11/07/92, 0900-1042

It's the morning after the week before, as the planet's inhabitants try to recover from the first Parallel 9 rave. But peace and quiet are definitely not on the menu, as the planet is bombarded with more guests, music, competitions and cartoon adventures with the Toxic Crusaders.  The rave presumably being supplied by The Shamen:


It's weird what sticks with you and
despite not seeing any of this for 29 years I have vivid memories of Cal sat on the bridge with the Batman poster and the crap visual effects during the "dual" at the end. The new Batman film is the cue for the introduction of Parallel 9's own superhero "Captain Zarb", cousin of Mercator, played by Dominic McHale.

Funny line alert:
Skyn: I was just wondering if you'd summon to Parallel 9 the champion of the cosmos?
Mercator: Edd the Duck?

Edd also makes an appearance in the finale, during which after one of the many visual effects Captain Zarb suddenly starts wearing glasses for no explained reason which suggests a continuity cockup during recording of this sequence.

Show 13 - tx 18/07/92, 0900-1055

Dannii Minogue entertains Mercator today, and Shakespears Sister sing their new single, Goodbye Cruel World, providing the prince with a welcome respite from the search for objects to bury in the Parallel 9 time capsule. Meanwhile, two viewers are turned into aliens by a film special effects expert. There's a look at the sport of roller blading, a craze that's sweeping the country, and a preview of the latest automaton to appear in the Kabaret Mechanical Theatre, at London's Covent Garden. Plus, part 3 of the Michael Jackson competition, where the winner gets to meet the rock superstar. 

Here's Dannii Minogue...

...and this below is my earliest recording of the show, or what survives of it - the last seven minutes, as I taped the following week's slightly shorter show over it!  The plot of this episode forms the start of a loose three episode strand, or what we'd call an "arc" if this wasn't Saturday morning kids' TV.  

The storyline centred around the establishment of Skyn's radio station Skyn FM, which he hosted in a fairly unflattering impression of what Radio 1 DJs sounded like at this point (and more on that in a few weeks).  It seems the transmitter range of Skyn FM was slightly larger than the average pirate radio station and it attracted the attention of some (rather small) alien invaders.  The clip picks up at the point the "under attack" siren leads to guests Craig Charles and Robert Llewellyn being bundled into the escape pod.  Steyl's apparent admission of affection for Skyn will be crucial to the plot of the next two episodes...    

The "Skyn FM" radio studio was hidden in the corner of the set between the cave and the Stargate, and provided a useful setup for the rest of the series for items to be presented from.  Skyn also spent much of the remainder of the series in his DJ "outfit".

Show 14 - tx 25/07/92 - 0900-1047

Parallel 9 becomes the Planet of the Japes when a plague of practical jokes erupts and the P9 inhabitants have to decide who or what is responsible! Today's guests include Jason Donovan, Neighbours star Kristian Schmid , and Right Said Fred performing their latest single Daydream. Plus a look at alternative circus acts with Ra Ra Zoo and the last chance to enter the Michael Jackson competition. (Not a Scooby what they're on about with Planet of the Japes! That idea clearly didn't go the distance)

This is the first full episode we have access to since show 1 and what a difference exactly three months makes.  The pace is much faster throughout, the lighting is much warmer, all of the ponderous bits have either been removed or heavily revamped and the whole show is set up quite nicely in the opening few minutes.  The concept has been nicely pruned to better fit the Saturday morning genre with a greater emphasis on humour, with fantasy replacing the focus on history.  

For the first time, here is my recording.  Due to the policy of widescreen in the studio and full frame 4:3 for everything else I've had to zoom in and out depending on what is on screen which is probably the least worst way of presenting it on YouTube.  Philippa Forrester is still in the broom cupboard informing us of scheduling changes due to the Barcelona Olympics, which may turn out to be significant.

Big plot dump: Skyn hasn't let up since dedicating songs on his radio station to Steyl since she, amidst the fear of death the previous week, admitted she "sort-of found him attractive in a repellent sort of way".  All are of the opinion that Skyn FM also has rubbish prizes which need improving, leading to Thynkso becoming game show host Spam Ululux.  Meanwhile recent events have left Steyl feeling homesick and she has persuaded the Tope to scan her home planet, resulting in her discovering her fortune is about to be mined. 

All of the above quickly converges in a cracking bit of plotting with Steyl and Skyn taking part in Spam's 72 Zillion Zradoc Question in order to win a honeymoon to Draoph to rescue her fortune.  More on that later, but it should be said the cast are all on top form here in one of the best episodes of the series.  There's barely a duff moment with each bit of script contributing to the storyline and managing to be funny too.  Dominic McHale's cheesy gameshow host - part Monkhouse, part Forsyth - is perhaps the most successful transformation of the series, particularly given the unexpectedly sinister turn of events.  The Tope also continues to steal some of the best lines with his wounded "you said shut up" to Steyl.  

Funny line alert:

Spam: Tell me, how did you meet, was it exciting?

Steyl: Well, we met in the maximum security hold of the Zarbian prison ship that was bringing us to the penal planet of Parallel 9, for crimes against law and nature.

Skyn: Yes it was actually very, very, very romantic.


It's barely recognisable from the first show. The presenting duties are now divided up nicely amongst the ensemble cast - Cal getting the big stars, Skyn film and video, Steyl music and fashion and even Thynkso getting to do the St Tiggywinkles item before his transformation.  A new feature has appeared called "Backwards", riffing on the Zarbian laws of time by playing stock footage in reverse with a humourous commentary from Mercator.  Also here is the second edition of "Bands In The Sand", a take on the Going Live! Video Vote which brings the format ever closer to that of a standard Saturday morning show (and listen carefully for the floor managing saying "we're on VT, clear the beach" at the end!).

This brief shot of a VT clock also reveals that Parallel 9 was filmed on Stage J at Pinewood Studios.  The superb TV Studio History website tells us that these days this is known as "tv-two" and has specialised mostly in sitcoms in recent years.  The site also suggests Parallel 9 was the very first live broadcast from Pinewood.  As can be seen, the dire Toxic Crusaders cartoon has finally finished and been replaced by the much better Swamp Thing, based along the same theme of transformation, but more likely chosen because only five episodes were made so it nicely filled most of the remaining transmissions.  It also had a banging theme tune.

The final sketch appears to be heading for the usual humourous resolusion until all of the cast in turn lose the 72 Zillion Zradoc Question.  After failing a question about Mercator's sentence Spam explains that the next two Saturdays are cancelled due to maintenance work on the Stargate (which by pure coincidence coincides with BBC1's coverage of the Barcelona Olympics).  Mercator, Skyn and Steyl are sent to languish in "Nether Space" though Spam states he can only send Cal back to Earth, confirming a clear creative decision to ensure the viewer's representative on the show can no longer come to harm.  The Tope upon realising the predicament appeals to "Earth elders" for help in quite an unexpected ending.  You never got that on The 8.15 From Manchester.


The cliffhanger is a complete u-turn on the usual format and is brilliantly executed, and the incorporating of the enforced break into the storyline has also become one of the things this series is most remembered for.  The closing credits can't be run over the usual reverse-perspective shot of Mercator's capsule taking off so are replaced by a really effective panning shot of the empty planet set.  This coincides with an extension of the closing theme, adding a longer instrumental section at the start.  It's a stunning end to a great 107 minutes.

Join me in part 2 to find out how the cliffhanger was resolved and the show was tweaked further over the final six episodes, with YouTube uploads for the remainder of the series.  I'm gonna take your time away!

With thanks to those who have helped in this mad endeavour including Kevin Short for the uploads, Robin Blamires for the inspiration, Simon Underwood for spotting the location used in the titles, and others - you know who you are.  If you want to send a message to Mercator - sorry - if you'd like to contribute some information or have a correction, please get in touch.

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